Is "Phubbing" Ruining Your Relationship?

Phones are an extension of ourselves and it’s hard to imagine life without them. Most of us have our phones in our hands, pockets or right next to us 24 hours a day, In fact, most of us spend at least two hours a day on our phones, whether that’s looking up a new restaurant, messaging friends or doom-scrolling on socials.

What sort of impact is this having on our relationships? Sydney-based psychologist Dr Maria-Elena Lukeides from The Wellness Fountain says while phones revolutionise the way we communicate, work and entertain ourselves, this 24/7 connectivity may be disconnecting us from other areas of our life.

This has been coined ‘phubbing’, aka ‘phone snubbing’ or snubbing someone in favour of your phone. This behaviour can create feelings of neglect, disconnection, and resentment in relationships.

The smartphone dilemma

Think you have a healthy relationship with your phone? Even if you do, we’re all caught ourselves being absent and distracted from the here and now.

“Our smartphones divide our attention and reduce our presence in our immediate environment, so it’s no surprise that excessive use can be at the expense of our real-world connections,” says Dr Lukeides.

One-sided relationships

It’s not uncommon for couples to find themselves in situations where one partner feels ignored while the other is glued to their screen, says Dr Lukeides.

“We’ve all seen the scenario play out at a local restaurant: a couple is having dinner together, yet both of them are scrolling through social media instead of engaging in conversation. Or worse – only one of them is doing this and the other is sitting there feeling neglected. These habits can erode the emotional intimacy that is vital for a healthy relationship.”

IT Professor Yeslam Al-Saggaf says that phubbing “often makes the phubbed partner feel excluded, which resulted in less intimacy, reduced satisfaction with the relationship and in turn led to reduced life satisfaction,” he says.

“Phubbed partners would also spend excessive amounts of time on social media, possibly to regain some of the attention lost at the hands of their partner’s smartphone habit,” he notes.

How much is too much?

So how do we know if we’re crossing the line when it comes to our attention? And how do we know if that attention to our phone is effecting on our relationship? Dr Lukeides says the below signs could indicate an issue:

• You or your partner frequently checks phone during conversations (regardless of the subject matter).
• Date nights are interrupted by constant notifications or being distracted by what is happening on the phone.
• You feel anxious when separated from your device or are constantly thinking about what is happening on there rather than what is happening right in front of you.
• Your partner complains about your phone use or diverts their attention to their phone when you are on yours.
• Bedtime routines revolve around screen time rather than intimacy.

How to put the phone DOWN

If you recognise these habits in your own behaviour, or your partner’s behaviour, you are not alone.

“Many couples struggle with this issue. The first step towards ‘putting the phones down’ is recognising that there might be an issue in the first place. And, there are steps you can take to regain control, and prioritise your relationship at the same time,” says Dr Lukeides. Here are some tips to minimise phone use in your relationship.

Set designated phone-free times

Establish specific periods, such as during dinner each night or on date nights, where phones are off-limits ­– no matter what. This allows for attentions to be solely focused on each other, giving you uninterrupted quality time. You can go one step further and create a ‘phone parking lot’ which is a designated spot in your home where phones are stored during family time or important conversations.

Turn off non-essential notifications

Don’t be that person that has all the notifications on and then is distracted by every single one that goes off. Turn off non urgent notifications like social media and only keep the need-to-know ones active. This will reduce the temptation to constantly check your phone and will focus your attention on your partner instead. If you must reach for your device while engaged in conversation, ask yourself if it’s truly necessary at that moment.

Engage in phone-free activities

Plan outings or hobbies that don't involve screens, like a game of basketball or bowling (well, there are screens, but only to keep the score)! This encourages meaningful moments and face-to-face interaction with your partner. It’s also great for your own mental health, allowing you to ‘switch off’ and focus on being in the present moment.

Use do not disturb settings well

Most smartphones have a “do not disturb” setting which can be customised. This means you will still get calls from people in your favourites list, but you won’t get any dings from chatty WhatsApp groups or emails. Put this on after dinner in the evening, if you can.

It's not you, it’s them

What happens if you’re not the one with the phone addiction? If excessive phone use is something you’ve noticed in your partner and it’s affecting you, it is something you can address.

1. Choose the right moment: Start by choosing the right time to have the conversation (ideally when your partner isn’t distracted (ahem, when they’re not on their phone). Choose a moment when you’re both feeling calm (not right after an argument or when someone is about to rush out the door).

2. Use ‘I’ statements: Position the conversation using ‘I’ statements so that whatever you say comes across as less accusatory (and more focused on how you’re feeling). For example, you can say things like “lately I have been feeling like we aren’t connecting like we used to or aren’t engaging in meaningful conversations. I’m wondering whether our focus on other things like our phones are making us less present in the relationship?”

3. Use specific examples: Provide some examples of when the phone got in the way of your relationship. For example, you can say things like “last night at dinner I was telling you about something exciting at work and it seemed like you didn’t even hear or acknowledge what I was saying.” Call out your own behaviour if you think you might also be at fault.

4. Suggest some solutions: Talk to your partner about scheduling in some phone-free activities or designated phone-free times. Work together to develop some ‘rules’ around phone use in your relationship (such as no phones at the dinner table) and talk about times when you can agree to leave the phone aside.

If you find that smartphone addiction is significantly impacting your relationship despite your best efforts, don't hesitate to seek professional help. A psychologist can provide personalised strategies and support to help you and your partner navigate this modern challenge.