How to Set Boundaries in Midlife for a Healthier, Happier You

So many women spend their 20s, 30s, and 40s trying to please everyone—afraid of making waves, worried that if they don’t say yes to every school committee meeting, work project,or dinner invite, they’ll let someone down. But at some point, often in midlife, comes a glorious realisation: Hey, what about me?

“In your late 40s or 50s, you realise, I don’t have to say yes to everything!” says Emmy-winning television journalist Tamsen Fadal, author of How to Menopause. “When I was younger, friends would want to come stay at my apartment and I’d always say yes, even if it meant I couldn’t get to the gym or keep to my own routine,” she says. At work, the pressure to agree was even more intense. “I felt that if I didn’t say yes to everything, I wouldn’t have a job. But in your 50s, you get to a point where you realise if you don’t make time for yourself now, you won’t get that time back.”

“I still find it tough to say no,” Fadal admits, “but I’ve learned to deal with the fact that some people won’t be happy about it, and I’ll still be okay. Saying no actually builds confidence. It’s so much better for your health—when you’re stuck in a situation you don’t want to be in, your body knows it and reacts. Saying no keeps your blood pressure steady, reduces stress and helps you feel more content.”

Here, in an excerpt adapted from How to Menopause, Fadal shares her advice on setting boundaries that allow you to reclaim your time, energy and self.

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Boundaries are essential—especially for women in midlife.

We live in a culture where women are expected to do everything. Keep the peace, manage emotions, remember the shopping list, keep up with kids’ schedules, maintain our appearance, clean the house, smile, be pleasant… The list goes on. It’s exhausting. Without clear boundaries, you’ll constantly pour your time and energy into things that aren’t your responsibility.

As hormone levels shift during menopause, many women feel less driven to prioritise others’ needs above their own. That’s not selfish—it’s an opportunity. Use this transition to draw a firm line around what no longer serves you.

“Setting boundaries means being clear about your preferences, desires, limits and deal-breakers—and having the ability to communicate them to others,” says psychotherapist Terri Cole. “If a friendship or relationship feels draining or toxic, give yourself permission to change your mind, protect your peace and honour how you truly feel.”

When we lose touch with who we are and what we need, external obligations can become overwhelming. The result? You start to lose sight of life’s possibilities—especially during the mental and physical upheaval of menopause.

They tell you and everyone else what’s okay and what’s not in your relationships. Protecting your time and schedule isn’t just about saying no—it’s about saying yes to what actually matters. Fadal shares her four-part strategy next.

1. What—Do—You—Want?

This is the most important step. When my husband Ira and I first started dating and I was figuring out what I wanted next in life, he would say slowly and deliberately, “What—do—you—want?” Honestly, at first it irritated me—I never stopped long enough to think about it. I only knew that the things taking up so much of my time no longer served me.

Eventually, I understood what he was getting at. How do you want to spend your time? What restores your mind? What do you truly value?

As girls, we’re not often asked what we want—we’re expected to meet everyone else’s needs. In early adulthood, we focus on what others want—our employers, partners, children. So, asking myself what I wanted felt radical. I realised I didn’t want to keep running on autopilot. I craved time for the things that brought peace, purpose and meaning into my life.

2. Time Block Your Personal Time

The next step was reclaiming my time. I used to float from one commitment to the next with no real direction. Eventually, I picked up a pen and blocked out hours in my calendar when I wouldn’t schedule anything—unless it was a genuine emergency.

This block of time became sacred. It was for me and me alone. If I wanted to stare at a screen, walk, call a friend or just sit still, I gave myself full permission—guilt-free. I forgave myself in advance. It changed everything.

Now, those blocks (I colour them purple in my calendar) are where I do my best thinking. I feel calmer. I no longer rush through the day. I feel more grounded and aligned with who I’m meant to be.

3. Really Understand the Power of No

For a word with just two letters, no is powerful.

I used to say yes to everything—so I wouldn’t disappoint anyone. But when the time came, I often felt dread. I said yes for someone else’s comfort, not mine. So I developed a simple trick: I imagine the event is happening this week. Would I still say yes?

That answer guides my decision.

Here are a few polite ways to decline once you realise how much you don’t want to say yes:

Thank you, I’d love to, but I can’t right now.
That sounds great, but I’ll have to pass.

You don’t need to give reasons. No is a complete sentence. This is hard to grasp for people pleasers, but it’s critical. Otherwise, you’ll fill your calendar with things for everyone else while draining yourself.

We all have obligations, and being needed is a gift—but so is knowing your limits. It’s liberating to prioritise your own values. Especially when one of those values is yourself.

4. Not Everyone Will Be Happy

Midlife is a time when responsibilities pile up like a never-ending to-do list. You can’t tackle them all at once—and you shouldn’t. Give yourself permission to come first, as often as possible.

There’s no medal for being the person who gave up the most. Midlife is your cue to reassess what truly matters—and to finally step into the spotlight of your own life.