Negging is a form of emotional manipulation that’s unsettling and, unfortunately, all too common. Unlike outright criticism, negging is more subtle—delivered as backhanded compliments that chip away at confidence over time.
While you may not hear the term often, chances are you’ve witnessed negging in action or even been on the receiving end without realising it.
Here’s what you need to know about negging, how to recognise it and what to do if it happens to you.
What is negging, exactly?
Negging is a tactic where someone makes negative, often backhanded, comments about another person’s appearance, behaviours, achievements or choices, says clinical psychologist Hillary Ammon.
“Initially, you may not even recognise it as harmful or hurtful because it’s disguised as a compliment,” Ammon explains. “Negging typically involves subtle put-downs that erode self-esteem over time.”
Negging can be so subtle that it’s hard to identify, but author Ramani Durvasula shares some common examples:
- "Not bad, you did a great job. I remember when your brother got into this program while working full-time, but yeah—you did great.”
- "You’re so brave to go out like that without makeup. I couldn’t do it—I care too much about how I look.”
- “For someone who didn’t go to a top university, you actually write really well.”
These statements seem harmless, but they’re designed to create self-doubt and make the recipient feel inadequate.
While negging is often discussed in the context of dating, it can happen in any relationship. “It’s important to recognise that negging can occur in friendships, family dynamics and even professional settings,” says Ammon.
A colleague might subtly undermine your work, a friend could disguise a put-down as a joke or a family member might compare you to a sibling in a way that diminishes your achievements. Regardless of the setting, the goal of negging is the same—to create an imbalance of power and make the recipient feel they need to prove themselves.
Why is negging harmful?
Negging might seem subtle, but it’s a damaging form of emotional and verbal abuse. “At its core, negging is a manipulative tactic designed to undermine confidence and create self-doubt,” says clinical psychologist Juanita P. Guerra.
It’s also incredibly confusing for the person on the receiving end. “You think you just heard a compliment, but it also felt like a jab—like a dig,” Guerra explains. “You’re left questioning yourself, wondering, Wait, what just happened?”
Negging can be especially damaging depending on the source. “If it’s coming from an insecure sibling or a petty friend, you may be able to brush it off,” says Durvasula. “But when it comes from someone whose opinion carries weight—like a spouse, parent or boss—it can lead to anxiety, grief and anger.”
Over time, these negative emotions can build up, particularly if you feel powerless to stop them. Constant exposure to negging can wear down self-esteem and create lasting emotional distress.
How can negging impact people?
Regularly being subjected to negging can leave a person feeling anxious, depressed and even worthless, says Ammon. “If someone is consistently criticised about their weight, for example, they may develop body image issues and anxieties around food, exercise or even choosing outfits.”
Negging is also exhausting. “It’s like psychological warfare,” Guerra says. “It makes you feel unsafe, which leads to defensiveness and self-protection. Over time, this constant stress drains your mental and physical energy.”
If left unchecked, negging can lead to a sense of learned helplessness—a state where you begin to feel powerless after repeatedly facing situations where you had no control. “It chips away at self-esteem and leaves people doubting their own worth,” Guerra adds.
What to do if you’re the victim of negging
If you suspect someone is negging you, addressing it directly can be a good first step. “Start by discussing the statements that you viewed as negging. Stick to the facts,” says Ammon. It may also help to document what was said and when.
Next, express how those comments made you feel using “I” statements. For example, saying, “I felt hurt by your comment about my weight” can be more effective than starting with “you,” which may make the other person defensive, Ammon explains. From there, clearly communicate what you want or need and set firm boundaries, such as, “I won’t continue this conversation if you keep making comments like that.”
If the person responds positively, reinforce their behaviour by acknowledging when they give genuine compliments. “Once you assert yourself and set boundaries, you can begin to influence their actions,” Ammon says. “Praise them when they provide actual compliments and share how those comments make you feel good.”
However, calling someone out on negging doesn’t always work. “Many chronic neggers are likely on the narcissism or antagonism spectrum, where passive aggression plays a big role,” says Durvasula. “These are people with low empathy who use interpersonal aggression to maintain power and control. When called out, they will often play the victim.”
If you find that addressing the issue isn’t helping, disengaging may be the best option. “People who neg are going to neg—and because their behaviour is rooted in shame or insecurity, they aren’t self-aware enough to stop,” Durvasula says. “Spend less time with them, find other sources of support and accept that this is how they operate.”
If the negging continues to affect your wellbeing, cutting ties may be necessary. “Removing toxic individuals from your life is sometimes the only way to protect your mental health,” says Guerra.
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