8 Ways to Stop Feeling Guilty About Everything

You couldn't call out of work to be with your mum for her big surgery. Your colleague picked up the slack on a project (again!) when you had to leave early because your kid was sick. Oh, and you were 20 minutes late meeting your friend for coffee. And boy, do you feel guilty. It's human nature to feel bad if you think that you let someone down or made them upset. But guilt isn’t something we’re supposed to wallow in for long. “We’re meant to feel guilt for a short time and if we recognise we’ve acted badly, to remedy the situation as soon as possible,” explains psychotherapist Dr Karen Koenig. “Healthy guilt moves us to action and the alleviation of emotional pain-ours and that of the other person.”

Which sounds good in theory, of course. But in practice, it’s not always quite so simple. So what can you do to shake off the ickiness and move on already? Here are expert-recommended tactics for how to stop feeling guilty.

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Don't fight your feelings

Repeatedly telling yourself to stop feeling guilty won’t work. In fact, it’ll probably just make you dwell on the situation even more. “The goal is to redirect your actions and behaviours. If you’re guilty about something, engage in positive thoughts and actions,” recommends therapist Ann Russo.

Can’t stop blaming yourself for forgetting your sister’s birthday? Channel that negative self-talk into something that’ll make both of you feel better, like making plans to take her out for a spa day. “If you keep redirecting, you’ll eventually move forward,” Russo says.

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Stop making it about you

Sometimes the thing you’re feeling guilty about doesn’t actually bother the other person at all. So before you waste more time and energy fretting over the situation, have a chat with the person you think you’ve wronged.

“Don’t make it about the noisy guilt in your head. Understand the other person’s perspective,” Melnick says. Maybe you feel guilty because you assume your partner would prefer that you didn’t travel for work so much, for instance. But when you talk to them, you might find out that they don’t mind your jetset lifestyle, as long as you’re home in time for dinner when you aren’t travelling.

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Reframe your guilt as gratitude

Holding onto guilt keeps you stuck on negative things that happened in the past. But focusing on what you’re grateful for takes your mind out of the muck, explains psychologist and neurotherapist, Dr Catherine Jackson. Say you feel bad because you fell off your weight-loss plan when you decided to get a doughnut at a nearby bakery.

Instead of telling yourself that you’re a failure, and you’ll never lose another kilo, appreciate the fact that you made other good choices like having porrige with fruit for breakfast and a grilled chicken salad for lunch. “This kind of thinking slowly encourages you to work towards your goal, builds confidence, and increases the expression of positive emotions,” says Jackson.

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Figure out what you really want

It’s tough to ever feel like you’ve succeeded if you don’t have a specific goal to meet. “You feel guilty in the absence of having criteria for what you really want and what would help you feel good enough,” says stress resilience expert Dr Sharon Melnick.

While you might not feel like a good enough parent if you’re not able to get to all of your kid’s soccer games because you have to work late, you can think about how many games you would need to attend in order to feel like a good parent.

“Maybe if you were able to attend two out of four games a month, then it would be easier to plan for those two times, and you wouldn’t feel guilty about not being able to make it to any of them,” Melnick explains.

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Differentiate between guilt and feeling badly

You shouldn’t feel guilty if you acted appropriately, but your actions upset someone anyway. “We need to recognise that there’s a difference between feeling badly for someone hurting and feeling guilty for hurting someone,” Koenig says.

For instance, you chose to have a small wedding because of budget constraints and a friend was offended that she wasn’t invited. You don’t have to feel guilty if you truly left her out because you were trying to limit your guest list. But you can still recognise that her feelings are hurt. “It’s fine to express feeling badly rather than guilt by saying, ‘I feel badly you’re upset,’” Koenig says.

Show compassion

We tend to assume that other people think like we do. So if you’re quick to judge others, there’s a good chance you often feel like others are judging you. Next time you notice someone make a mistake, resist the urge to be critical-even if it's just to yourself-and show some compassion instead.

“When we show compassion towards others, we’re more likely to assume that people will be compassionate towards us,” says Lindsay Ford, a parenting coach. “This type of thinking creates a habit of compassion and understanding and makes it more difficult to self-blame.”

Become an observer

Having a hard time seeing what you’ve done right? Take baby steps in the right direction by becoming a benign self-observer and simply notice when you start feeling guilty and critical of yourself.

“You should simply think a gentle shrug-of-the-shoulders comment like: ‘There I go again, thinking critical thoughts!’ That’s all. Don’t try to change anything-just observe without judgment,” says family psychotherapist Dr Fran Walfish. “This is the first giant step to changing towards positive thinking.”

Think of how you'd treat a friend

“Whatever you’re beating yourself up over, the conversation in your head is probably harsher than anything you’d ever say to a friend,” Ford points out.

When you find yourself awash with guilt, think about what you’d tell someone you care about. “You’d probably reassure her that she’s doing great, that mistakes don’t define her, that she’s doing her best and that’s good enough. Imperfect doesn't mean inadequate,” Ford says. Sounds about right? Good. Now, try the same kind of pep talk on yourself.