When it comes to red flags in a relationship, there are several behaviours worth noting. Gaslighting, love bombing and negging are just a few manipulative tactics but there’s another to be aware of—breadcrumbing. If your partner gives you small bits of attention without the commitment you need, you might be experiencing breadcrumbing.
This behaviour is often linked to online dating, which makes it easy for someone to send ‘breadcrumbs’ occasionally to keep the other person engaged without showing genuine interest or commitment, explains licensed psychologist and certified Master Gottman Therapist Dr Vagdevi Meunier.
Breadcrumbing can look different depending on the relationship. Dr Meunier explains that this tactic isn’t limited to casual dating—it can also happen in committed and even marital relationships. While some cases may not be premeditated or manipulative, breadcrumbing becomes more concerning when one person deliberately keeps the other on the hook by sending messages that suggest interest but has no real intention of developing a meaningful relationship.
Here are the signs to look for and how to respond if it’s happening to you.
What is breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing happens when one person in a relationship keeps the other person hopeful by offering small, inconsistent doses of attention, explains relationship expert Dr Weena Wise.
“It becomes manipulative when the breadcrumber knows their feelings don’t match the other person’s and has no real interest in developing a meaningful relationship,” Dr Wise says.
A breadcrumber often enjoys the attention they receive while knowing they don’t want the same level of commitment as their partner. They keep the connection going, even though they know it’s misleading.
“Victims of breadcrumbing often experience an emotional rollercoaster,” Dr Wise explains. “They invest time and energy into the relationship, only to realise they were being strung along with no real chance of getting what they wanted.”
Over time, this cycle of inconsistency can lead to self-doubt, confusion, anger and resentment.
Signs of breadcrumbing
According to Dr Wise and Dr Meunier, common signs of breadcrumbing include:
- You only receive attention from the person when you prompt them.“If they rarely initiate contact or show interest without you reaching out, it may be a sign,” says Dr Wise.
- Your conversations are very surface-level. Are their messages always playful, flirty or seductive? If they avoid deeper conversations, get irritable, ghost you or constantly change the subject, this could be a red flag, says Dr Meunier.
- They only reassure you when you lose interest. “If someone only gives you attention when you start to pull away, they may be more interested in keeping you on standby than in a real relationship,” says Dr Wise.
- Their actions don’t align with their words. If they make vague promises about the future but never follow through, they may be breadcrumbing you, Dr Meunier explains. “They might tell you they can’t bear to lose you but ignore your calls or avoid real commitment.”
- The relationship feels compartmentalised. “If they have strict boundaries around their availability or keep your interactions contained to certain times or places, they may not be invested in a mutually beneficial relationship,” says Dr Wise.
Who can be breadcrumbed?
According to Dr Meunier and Dr Wise, breadcrumbing is most common in romantic relationships, particularly during the dating phase before any real commitment happens. This is why so many people who experience breadcrumbing feel strung along and resentful, says Dr Wise.
One of the most common settings for breadcrumbing is in a situationship, such as a friends-with-benefits or casual hookup dynamic, explains Dr Meunier. “If someone examined their digital communication in a situationship, they might notice clear signs of breadcrumbing.”
However, breadcrumbing can also happen in marriage—but it often looks different. A married person might repeatedly claim they can’t meet their partner’s emotional needs, yet occasionally show they are capable, giving their partner false hope before letting them down again.
“Many people spend years, even decades, living in emotional limbo—getting just enough connection, affection and intimacy to stay, only to look back and realise how much time has passed,” says Dr Meunier.
How to respond to breadcrumbing
It’s understandable to be nervous about voicing concerns to your partner, but “feeling awkward about speaking to your partner about potentially being breadcrumbed is a sign that you shouldn’t ignore,” says Dr Wise.
“If you do approach your partner about potentially being breadcrumbed, be prepared with some specific examples that will help them understand your perspective,” Dr Wise advises. “You can also be prepared to explain what you believe a more consistent and meaningful connection should look like moving forward.”
If you tell your partner how you feel and continue to notice the same patterns and behaviors, “it may be healthier to just move on altogether,” explains Dr Wise. “Healthy functioning relationships require reciprocity and if you respectfully try to move on from a relationship that is meaningful to the other person, they should reach out to understand or improve the connection if it is valuable to them.”
Lastly, know that it is okay to be upset if the relationship doesn’t work out. “Forgive yourself! Anyone can be misled and manipulated by a charming narcissist,” Dr Meunier adds. “They specialise in this and most of us don’t have radar that can detect a specialist.”
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