When it’s been some time since you last had sex, jumping back into the sack can be downright scary. And that’s a natural reaction. Having sex is intimate, it makes us vulnerable and can send our brains into protection mode, dreaming up every worst-case scenario. I’ve heard the gamut of worries from clients – that a new partner will judge their body or their skills, or that the old ‘use it or lose it’ phrase is true for their sexuality, or that it will simply be awkward. Re-entering the sexual realm, however, doesn’t have to be intimidating. Here are a few ways to prep for the romantic episode.
Set The Scene
Some advance thought can help you feel that much sexier in the moment, so consider what helps set the mood for you. Do you like bright or dim lighting? Background music or silence? Do you feel more confident in lacy lingerie or a T-shirt? Also, gather any props (such as your favourite lubricant) so they’ll be on hand and you won’t need to scramble for anything.
Practise Mindfulness
Much of the work I do with clients is helping them get out of their heads and into their bodies when it comes to sex. When you’re worrying about what your partner thinks of your thighs or what you’re going to have for dinner later, it can be hard to catch pleasurable feelings when they arise. Mindfulness meditation may help, as studies show that it can reduce anxiety during sex and increase pleasure. So download an app like Headspace or Calm and dedicate 10 minutes a day to breathing and being in your body. It may just become the most important tool in your sexual toolbox (even better than a vibrator, I swear).
Slow Things Down
When you’re feeling anxious about doing the deed, you may have the urge to rush towards the finish line. But giving yourself permission to take it slowly will help keep the pressure off (and that’s key, because pressure is a huge libido killer!). My advice is to have a conversation with your partner in advance to set the tone and expectations. Instead of trying to go all the way the first time you reintroduce intimacy, start with a sensual massage or some good old-fashioned making out, and then allow things to build – or not. Remember, there are lots of ways to have sex. Focus more on exploration and play, rather than performance and orgasm, and you’ll be setting yourself up for success.
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