Whether we want to admit it or not, most people have had at least one sexual fantasy—and contrary to social norms, indulging your imagination is completely normal. “Sexual fantasies are as normal as breathing for most adults,” explains founder and editor of sex-positive, ethical adult content platform designed from a woman’s point of view Angie Rowntree. “They are an integral part of how we explore and navigate our sexual desires—regardless of whether we’re single or in a relationship.”
Licensed marriage and family therapist Jamie Schenk DeWitt, agrees. “Fantasising about sex can be a fun and exciting escape during an otherwise dull or routine day,” she says.
Below, experts unpack what defines a sexual fantasy, the most common themes people imagine and how to safely explore those scenarios—if the timing, context and mutual consent are in place.
What is considered a sexual fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is exactly what it sounds like—a mental image or scenario that excites you sexually. Some fantasies might eventually be explored in real life, while others remain purely imaginary. “Sometimes a fantasy is intended to stay just that—a fantasy,” explains Rowntree. “Just because you imagine a steamy office encounter, a threesome or a rendezvous with a celebrity doesn’t mean you actually want it to happen—and that’s perfectly fine.”
It may sound like a light-hearted comparison, but much like mythical tales and magical escapism, sexual fantasies can be thrilling—even if they never come to life. “For fantasies that could be achievable, they offer a space to explore what you might enjoy, want to try or experience in a different, safe, and consensual way with your partner,” adds DeWitt. “Like any adventure, they can be a new and exciting experience that shifts your perspective and spices up your routine. It never hurts to try something new.”
Common sexual fantasies
When it comes to sexual fantasies, the possibilities are virtually endless. Here are some of the most common themes people explore:
Role play
Slipping into a new persona can elevate the bedroom experience. This might involve costumes, but it doesn’t have to. “It’s really only limited by your imagination,” says Rowntree. Popular scenarios she receives content requests for include a princess and pirate, a secretary and her boss and a powerful woman with her attractive new employee.
Threesomes or “moresomes”
Multi-partnered encounters—whether between couples and singles, multiple couples or a group of singles—are becoming more common. Limited research suggests they can lead to positive experiences. “Having this fantasy doesn’t mean you’re unsatisfied with your partner or that they aren’t ‘enough,’” Rowntree explains. “It’s also perfectly normal for people who identify as heterosexual to experience bisexual fantasies, especially in the context of a threesome with a partner.”
It’s also normal to enjoy fantasising about group sex without wanting to follow through. “However, if you do want to explore it in real life, it’s important that you and your partner are on the same page. Communicate openly about boundaries, safer sex practices and your shared expectations,” she adds.
BDSM
BDSM—short for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism—centres around an erotic power exchange between consenting adults. While it can include things like rope play, leather gear or handcuffs à la Fifty Shades of Grey, it might also be as subtle as a typically passive person taking control in the bedroom or vice versa.
“There’s a broad spectrum in how it plays out,” says Rowntree. Some enjoy the full leather-and-spanking dynamic, while others prefer a more ‘vanilla’ encounter where one partner takes control to mutually satisfying ends. A 2019 study found that BDSM-related fantasies are common in 40 to 70% of both men and women.
Exhibitionism and voyeurism
Exhibitionism involves being watched during sex, often by a third party. Voyeurism is the flip side—watching others engage in sexual activity. Both are popular fantasy themes. In fact, a recent study in The Journal of Sex Research found that 46% of respondents were turned on by the idea of watching others have sex.
A specific subset, known as cuckolding, where someone enjoys watching their partner with someone else, is also popular. In Justin Lehmiller’s book Tell Me What You Want, a survey revealed that 58% of men had fantasised about this scenario.
Public or risky sex
For many, it’s all about the adrenaline rush. “Sneaky sex or getting intimate somewhere there’s a risk of being caught can be a real turn-on,” says Rowntree. But while the idea sounds thrilling, she advises approaching it with caution. “In real life, your mileage may vary—always use common sense and discretion,” she says. Instead of risking it in the office, consider booking a hotel room during a long lunch break to keep things exciting without the risk.
Sensory play
Sensory play is a versatile form of intimacy that can suit both kink-curious and more ‘vanilla’ dynamics. “As the name suggests, it’s about engaging one or more of the senses—touch, sight, sound, smell or taste,” Rowntree explains. That might mean trailing a feather across your partner’s body, indulging in a sensual massage, feeding them something decadent, whispering in their ear or even taking a scented bubble bath together.
On the other end of the spectrum is sensory deprivation—where someone might be blindfolded or wear noise-cancelling headphones to heighten anticipation and rely solely on touch and instinct. The thrill lies in not knowing what’s coming next.
Anal sex
Anal sex remains a common fantasy despite lingering taboos. For people of all genders and orientations, it can be a pleasurable experience. If you’re curious but new to it, slow and steady is the way to go. Communication is key, as is investing in a quality anal lubricant for comfort and safety.
Pegging
Pegging involves a vulva-owning partner wearing a strap-on to penetrate their partner—flipping traditional gender roles and power dynamics. For many, the intrigue lies in the reversal. Finding the right toys and tools is part of the journey, and like anything new, it requires openness, patience and a willingness to experiment.
Sex tape
With the popularity of platforms like OnlyFans and the accessibility of filming devices, it’s no surprise that making a sex tape has become a fantasy for many. If you’re feeling adventurous, you don’t need to share it—think of it as a keepsake to enjoy together in private. Just be sure both parties give enthusiastic consent before hitting record.
Toy time
Almost any fantasy can be enhanced with the right toy. From bullet and egg vibrators to strap-ons, sleeves and couples’ toys, the market is filled with tools to explore and elevate pleasure. If you’ve ever been curious about how a toy could add something new to the experience, this could be the perfect reason to explore. Trying something different doesn’t need to be intimidating—it can just be fun.
How to safely explore your fantasies
Start by having an open and honest conversation with your partner. Be upfront about your fantasy, and then see if there’s mutual interest, says Rowntree. “If they’re not into it, don’t push. And if they’re unsure, give them space to think it over while continuing the conversation. Being curious together can be part of the fun.”
If they’re open to exploring it with you, that’s your cue to set some ground rules. This includes discussing boundaries, consent and anything else that makes both of you feel comfortable, respected and in control. “The best sex always starts with clear communication—before, during and after,” Rowntree adds.
Of course, there are limits. “Never break the law, cross anyone’s boundaries or risk your job, family, relationship or personal safety for the sake of a fleeting thrill,” she says. “If you’re finding it difficult to manage your sexual behaviours or urges, don’t hesitate to seek help from a qualified therapist or healthcare professional.”
Once everything’s discussed and you’re both in a good place, go ahead and explore. “Let yourself play, relax and enjoy the moment,” says DeWitt. But try not to overanalyse the outcome. Not every fantasy is going to feel like a Hollywood blockbuster—and that’s OK.
“Be ready to adjust your expectations,” DeWitt adds. “Sometimes what plays out in real life doesn’t match the fantasy in your head and that can be disappointing. But it’s all part of the experience. Keep experimenting, keep imagining and you might land on something that hits just right.”
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