If relationship anxiety or a disagreement with your partner ever brings up feelings from childhood—like the pain of being dismissed, criticised or left out—you’re not alone. You might be experiencing what psychologists call an insecure attachment style.
Attachment styles are part of a long-standing psychological theory that explores how our earliest relationships—usually with parents or caregivers—shape the way we connect with others throughout life. Understanding your attachment style can help you recognise patterns, build healthier relationships, and strengthen emotional resilience.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory was first introduced in the 1950s by British psychologist John Bowlby. He described attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” Later, researcher Mary Ainsworth expanded on his work through her famous Strange Situation study, which observed how young children responded when briefly separated and then reunited with their mothers.
At its core, attachment theory suggests that how a child’s needs are met—or unmet—by their primary caregiver influences their sense of safety, emotional development, and expectations in relationships later in life.
“We are wired to connect with others,” explains therapist and counsellor Juliet Lam Kuehnle. “As infants, we seek safety, security, and connection from our caregivers. Over time, we learn what to expect from others and develop a sense of self in relation to these early experiences.”
Attachment styles have since been studied in the context of emotional health, relationship satisfaction, and even evolutionary development. Most people fall into one of four broad categories.
Secure attachment
People with a secure attachment style typically experienced stable, warm and responsive care as children. They felt seen, valued and comforted during times of distress. “If caregivers were consistently available and warm, and the child felt secure and validated, that child is more likely to grow up with secure attachment and develop healthy, reciprocal relationships,” says therapist Juliet Lam Kuehnle.
Research shows that adults with a secure attachment style tend to have stronger emotional regulation, higher self-esteem, better social skills and greater capacity for empathy.
An easy way to know if you’re secure (and not one of the other three insecure styles), is to ask a simple question used by authors and therapists Milan and Kay Yerkovich in their book How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage: Can you recall being comforted as a child after a time of emotional distress? If so, you’re likely secure, if not, there’s a chance you (and 75% of others, per the Yerkovichs’ research) fall into one of the three following insecure styles.
Ambivalent or anxious attachment (insecure)
An anxious attachment style typically stems from inconsistent caregiving. A parent or caregiver may have been attentive at times, but absent or emotionally unavailable at others. “Those with anxious attachment may become more likely to feel responsible for others’ emotions or struggle with codependency,” Kuehnle explains. “They often fear abandonment and need frequent reassurance to feel secure in relationships.”
In Ainsworth’s Strange Situation study, children with this style became visibly distressed when separated from a parent, but were not comforted when the parent returned—often showing mixed responses like clinginess, anger or withdrawal.
Avoidant attachment (insecure)
Avoidant attachment develops when caregivers are emotionally distant, consistently unavailable or neglectful. As a result, the child may learn to suppress their need for closeness or connection.
“These individuals often grow up believing they need to be fiercely independent and self-reliant because others cannot be trusted,” says Kuehnle. “They may find emotional intimacy uncomfortable or struggle to commit in close relationships.”
Research shows that adults with high levels of avoidant attachment often hold negative views of romantic partners, while maintaining a seemingly positive—but sometimes brittle—view of themselves.
Disorganized attachment (insecure)
Disorganised attachment, first identified by researchers Mary Main and Judith Solomon, was added to Mary Ainsworth’s original three styles to describe children who didn’t clearly fit into secure, anxious, or avoidant categories. These children displayed a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours in Ainsworth’s Strange Situation experiment—often appearing confused, withdrawn or fearful of their caregiver.
Experts believe this pattern may stem from early experiences of abuse, neglect or trauma. “These children, who were fearful of their parents, may be more likely to have relationships that are quite unpredictable and dysregulated,” explains therapist Juliet Lam Kuehnle.
How to discover your attachment style
There are plenty of online quizzes that claim to reveal your attachment style, but Kuehnle suggests taking these results with a grain of salt. Attachment styles can be useful frameworks for understanding behaviour, but they aren’t fixed or definitive.
“It’s important to note that we don’t just have one set attachment style forever,” she says. “We may fall within a range of styles, and our attachment can shift depending on who we’re in relationship with.”
The best part? Even if you recognise signs of an insecure attachment style, change is possible. “We can rewire towards secure attachment—this is sometimes referred to as ‘earned security’,” says Kuehnle.
For those who want to better understand their relationship patterns, therapy can be a valuable tool. “It’s truly best to have a trained, licensed professional administer an assessment,” she says. “Through this work, you can unlearn old beliefs or unhealthy patterns and develop more secure, healthy ways of connecting with others.”
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