How to Say No to Events Without the Guilt

Between birthdays, barbecues, sports finals, weddings and endless catch-ups, the social calendar can fill up fast. Add in work deadlines, family commitments and the lead-up to holidays, and it’s simply not realistic—or healthy—to say yes to every invitation. Busy schedules, financial pressures and the need for downtime are all valid reasons to prioritise your well-being and politely decline when needed.

Here’s how to set boundaries and manage expectations without the stress.

Feel confident in your decision.

Saying no can feel uncomfortable, especially with family or close friends. But remember, protecting your time and energy is just as important as showing up. “I really want people to embrace their authority in this particular instance,” explains etiquette expert Elaine Swann. “This is one time where the decision that we make can protect not only ourselves but also others. Stand firm in your ‘No, not at this time.’”

Start the conversation as soon as possible.

Plans, priorities and personal circumstances change and that’s normal. “Our situations change all the time in ways that place different demands on our time, finances, ability to handle stress and health,” says psychologist Jessica P. Lougheed. It’s okay to pass on a gathering now, just as it would be any other year.

You don’t owe anyone a long explanation. A simple “Thank you for the invite, but I can’t make it this time” works. If you’d like, offer an alternative, maybe a coffee walk next week, a phone call or catching up at a smaller get-together. This way, you show care without compromising your boundaries.

Choose your method of communication wisely.

When it comes to saying no to spring gatherings, how you deliver the message matters almost as much as what you say. A quick text might feel easier, but it can also leave room for misunderstanding.

“Text messages don’t carry important elements of communication, like tone or facial expression, so it’s easier for others to misinterpret your intentions,” explains Lougheed. Voice or video calls are often better because they allow you to convey warmth and sincerity.

That said, there are exceptions. “If your family or friends invited you through a group text and everyone is chatting there, it’s fine to respond in the same place,” says Swann. Matching the communication style of the invite can sometimes feel the most natural.

For trickier situations, though, a more personal approach is best. If you know your choice might disappoint, a phone call or face-to-face conversation helps soften the message. A thoughtful opening like “I wanted to talk to you directly” sets the tone and shows respect for the relationship.

Keep your words clear, polite and sparse.

Declining an invite can sting for the person on the other end, even if they understand your reasons. The key is to be kind, concise and reassuring. “It’s important to make it clear that it’s not because you don’t care or don’t want to see them,” says psychologist David H. Rosmarin. “A simple difference between ‘I’m not coming’ and ‘I don’t want to come’ can change how the message lands.”

Lougheed suggests leaning on “I” statements, which keep the focus on your needs rather than shifting blame. For example: “I need some downtime this weekend” or “I’m focusing on saving at the moment” are easier for others to hear than phrases that might sound like rejection.

Finally, keep it matter-of-fact. A warm thank you paired with a polite decline—“Thanks so much for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to make it this time”—strikes the right balance of clarity and care.

Offer concessions instead.

Sometimes saying no to a gathering doesn’t mean stepping away completely. Small gestures can show you still care and help soften your absence. “It can be helpful to reassure loved ones by scheduling extra time to connect in other ways,” says Lougheed. Even sending a few thoughtful messages or making an impromptu call can go a long way in keeping bonds strong.

If it’s within your means, a little token of thoughtfulness can also ease disappointment. Swann suggests sending flowers, a homemade treat or even organising delivery from a local bakery. “It’s not about replacing your presence, but about showing you’re thinking of them,” she explains. A small gesture of generosity can make the “no” feel a little warmer.

Expect relatives to be upset at first.

Even with concessions, it’s natural for friends or family to feel hurt or upset when you can’t join in. The key is allowing them to process those emotions without immediately trying to “fix” them. “When people feel heard, that alone can ease tension,” Lougheed says. Listening to their concerns and showing empathy while calmly restating your choice creates balance between care and boundaries.

If things get heated, a little breathing space may be best. Time often allows initial disappointment to shift into understanding. As Rosmarin points out, “You don’t have to make everybody happy all the time—that’s not our job and learning to be okay with that is part of maintaining healthy boundaries.”