Say your friend posts a photo online of the beautiful home she’s just bought. You want to be happy for her, but you can’t stop thinking about how you’re struggling to make ends meet in your small rental.
Does that make you a bad person? Not at all. Social comparison is completely normal. But is it useful? Probably not. “Comparing is not inherently harmful, but the context in which we do it often ends up doing more harm than good,” says author and professor of psychology and neuroscience Keith Payne.
Comparing yourself to someone you perceive as better or worse off has its pros and cons. “In literature on upward versus downward social comparisons, generally the findings are that upward comparisons can be motivating,” says Payne. “They push you to try harder, work harder etc., but they’re also incredibly stressful and painful.” On the flip side, “we can compare ourselves to those who have less than us, which feels good but can also be demotivating,” he adds.
As anyone who’s scrolled past picture-perfect lives on Instagram can tell you, “we tend to overdose on upward comparison in our culture,” says Payne. People don’t share snaps of soggy packed lunches or toddler meltdowns; they post beach holidays, candlelit dinners and squishy newborns. When you see eight friends bragging about their amazing day and you’ve barely survived yours, it’s hard not to feel flat.
Try these expert-backed strategies to make smarter comparisons and feel more content.
Compare selectively
Payne suggests practising “comparing with care.” This week, if you catch yourself spiralling into comparison mode, pause and consider whether that moment is the right time—or if it’s doing more harm than good. If you’re trying to kickstart a new habit or land a promotion, it might help to look at someone you admire professionally. “But if you’re already feeling burnt out, exhausted and stressed,” he says, “upward comparisons are just going to make you feel worse.”
Instead, shift your focus to how far you’ve come. Reflect on where you were at the beginning of your career or personal journey and acknowledge the progress you’ve made. That perspective can feel a lot more grounding—and a lot less toxic—than constantly measuring yourself against someone else’s highlight reel.
Focus on your core values
Make a list of what matters most to you. Then, whenever you catch yourself falling into the comparison trap, revisit that list. For example, if you see an influencer flaunting their flashy new car, then hop into your beat-up Subaru and instantly feel bad, pause and reflect. “If you explicitly think about it, you’ll realise, What I’m doing here is comparing how good my car is with how good that person’s car is and I’m not even the kind of person who cares about having a nice car,” says Payne. “Being more self-aware about the kinds of comparisons we make can allow us to say, Wait, why am I even doing this? Is this a value I truly care about?”
Remember, the playing field may not be level
It’s not a fair comparison when you’re measuring yourself against someone in a different city, country or financial bracket. Still, when you’re scrolling through social media, it can feel like everyone lives just down the street. “Social comparison is universal, but it tends to have fewer negative consequences in countries like Norway and Canada, where income and wealth inequality are lower,” Payne notes. So next time you catch yourself feeling inadequate, step back and ask: Is this a fair comparison or am I missing key context?
Limit your exposure
“Most people have had experiences with friends who make them feel worse, not better, after catching up,” says Payne. “If that’s the case, it’s worth thinking about what the dynamic is. Do you really want to be spending your time with them?” Tune in to your triggers. Is your netball team, work social group, or the school committee more competitive than supportive? Is there someone on your Instagram feed who always leaves you doubting yourself? Creating boundaries—whether that’s unfollowing, muting or taking a break—can go a long way toward protecting your mental health.
Newsletter
