One of the most common relationship mistakes people make is keeping someone in their life long after they’ve proven they don’t deserve a place in it. Toxic people avoid accountability, rarely apologise, and often withhold basic respect—like gratitude, compliments, or listening. Whether it’s a friend, partner, colleague or family member, toxic behaviour usually comes with a sense of entitlement to be disrespectful.
“There are many types of toxic relationships, such as controlling or manipulative, negative, self-centred or narcissistic, dishonest, insecure, abusive, blaming or demanding, competitive, secretive or dramatic,” says Catherine Jackson, a licensed clinical psychologist and neurotherapist. Identifying the type of toxic dynamic you’re experiencing can help you walk away more clearly and confidently.
1. Recognise that you're in a toxic relationship.
According to psychotherapist Fran Walfish, here are nine subtle red flags to look out for:
- Over-the-top charm used to manipulate
- The silent treatment as a power move
- Making you guess their feelings, then punishing you for getting it wrong
- Assigning you tasks they ‘can’t’ do, then criticising your efforts
- Constant correction or nitpicking
- Lying or distorting facts
- Projecting their guilt or behaviour onto you
- Using intimacy or affection as a control tactic
- Claiming they’re ‘helping you’ while undermining you
Many people don’t realise they’re in a toxic dynamic until the mental toll becomes undeniable. “In a toxic romantic relationship, people are often told that the reason their partner is angry, cold or abusive is because of something they’ve done wrong,” says psychologist Dr Lisa Marie Bobby. The same manipulation can happen at work, where a toxic boss might imply you’re mistreated because you’re not performing well enough. One major red flag: noticing a stark difference in how someone treats you in public versus in private.
2. Look for patterns from childhood.
Psychologist Dr Carissa Coulston says childhood relationships often set the tone for future ones. “The effects of your upbringing can echo in your adult relationships, especially if you gravitate towards partners who reflect unresolved parental patterns,” she says. That could look like always being second priority or constantly seeking approval. But healing doesn’t require approval from your parents or repeating old cycles. “Letting go of the past can shift how you see future partners—and open the door to someone who truly empowers you,” says Dr Coulston.
3. Prepare your finances.
Toxic relationships—especially within families—often linger due to financial dependence or control. “Family members have less power over someone who is financially and personally independent,” says psychotherapist Mary Joye. That independence can take time to build, so don’t rush the process. If stepping back from a toxic situation means spending months or even a year getting your finances in order, treat that as your first step.
4. Seek outside help.
Sometimes, the most helpful perspective comes from someone on the outside. “It often takes a therapist, coach or trusted friend to help you realise you’re not the problem,” says psychologist Dr Bobby. Building healthy relationships outside the toxic one can provide the emotional strength needed to shift blame and start making a clear exit plan. Clinical psychologist Dr Coulston agrees, noting that professional support can also help reshape unhealthy core beliefs that keep people stuck in harmful patterns.
5. Speak up for yourself.
It’s common to stay silent in the face of hurtful behaviour to avoid conflict—but silence can also enable it. Assert yourself calmly but firmly, especially in cases of verbal or emotional abuse. “Say something like, ‘I feel hurt when you speak to me like that. I’m going to leave now, and I hope next time we can talk with more respect,’” says psychologist Dr Carla Marie Manly. While toxic people may not change, you can reduce your emotional vulnerability by responding with strength and clarity.
6. Create boundaries, and stick to them.
Healthy boundaries are a form of self-respect, not rudeness. “Toxic people often rely on the fact that kind individuals struggle to set boundaries,” says psychologist Dr Forrest Talley. Start by being clear and direct—for example, letting someone know you’re unavailable when they try to unload their issues while you’re working. And remember, being family doesn’t grant someone a free pass. “All relationships require boundaries. Just because someone is related to you doesn’t mean they’re entitled to mistreat you,” says psychologist Dr Karin Lawson.
7. Do a digital detox.
It’s not just physical distance that matters—digital boundaries count too. Fear of backlash often stops people from unfollowing, blocking or removing toxic contacts online. But sometimes, a clean break is what’s needed. “You may want to end things directly, remove them from social media and avoid further contact,” says psychologist Dr Catherine Jackson. If that feels too abrupt, try muting or limiting their visibility—no explanation needed.
8. Prepare for the counterstrike.
Toxic people don’t always let go quietly. Once they realise you’re pulling away, they may go silent to guilt you, or try harder to re-establish control. “If you step out of the role they expect—someone without boundaries, opinions or needs—you’re likely to be punished,” says psychologist Dr Bobby. The key is to stay firm and keep your boundaries in place.
9. If you can't break ties, limit contact.
In some cases, cutting off contact entirely isn’t possible. Shared custody, work environments or complex family dynamics may require some level of connection. “Some people stay married to a toxic partner to shield their children from experiencing it alone through shared custody,” says Dr Bobby. In these cases, reduce the toxic person’s access and influence, and remind yourself they are not emotionally safe—accepting this can ease the hurt their behaviour causes.
10. Try the Grey Rock Method.
If contact is unavoidable, keep your emotional energy protected. “Abusers thrive on intensity, so being neutral and boring can work in your favour,” says therapist Christine Scott-Hudson. Clinical psychologist Nadene van der Linden refers to this as the Grey Rock Method. By not reacting or engaging, you become less interesting—and they’re more likely to turn their attention elsewhere.
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