Why self-care isn’t enough for women’s mental health

For most of human history, women did not navigate life’s challenges alone.

Birth, motherhood, grief, menopause, loss and major life transitions were held within community. There were always people close by – aunties, elders, neighbours, someone.

Women gathered for joyful occasions and difficult ones alike. They shared stories, offered practical support and helped one another navigate life’s transitions. These connections created a sense of belonging that many women now find themselves searching for again.

We were never alone. And yet, in our modern times, so many women feel like they are. Women are carrying the emotional labour of families, caring responsibilities, work pressures and the expectation that they should somehow manage it all well. Not because they want to, but because that’s how they’ve evolved to survive in the modern world, where our ‘villages’ are few and far between.

I’ve been there, too. The burnout. The exhaustion. The silent cry into the void for something or someone nameless. These are the times when no self-help book, no wellness podcast and no self-care routine can aid the feeling that can only be supported by being so deeply witnessed and heard in our real-life experience.

And perhaps this is why self-care was never meant to be the only way forward for women’s health. Self-care still has an important role to play. Therapy, exercise, mindfulness and journalling can all support wellbeing. The issue is not that these practices are ineffective, but that many women have come to rely on them in isolation. Sometimes what we’re missing isn’t another tool for self-improvement, but meaningful connection with other people.

The pressure to self-regulate everything alone

Women are capable. We work, parent, manage households, care for loved ones, maintain the sometimes turbulent relationships with our significant other and, somewhere in between that tedious to-do list, manage to prioritise our own wellbeing, albeit this often falls second to the care we pour into others.

When self-care becomes another task to add to our day, it reinforces the modern cultural message that our wellbeing is our responsibility alone, and not the responsibility of the village.

This reinforcement is so ingrained that the entire billion-dollar wellness industry is built around self-improvement, self-development and self-care – ‘self’ being the operative word here.

Yet, despite having more access to information, self-help resources and wellness tools than any generation before us, many women continue to report feeling overwhelmed, disconnected and lonely. This suggests that while self-care matters, it may not be addressing the whole picture. In Australia, around one in four women experience a mental illness in any given year, and women are more likely than men to experience anxiety, depression and psychological distress.

At the same time, growing research suggests that social connection plays a significant role in wellbeing, while loneliness and social isolation can negatively impact both mental and physical health.

What co-regulation actually means

This is where the concept of co-regulation becomes important.

Have you ever sat with a trusted friend and felt your whole body relax? Have you cried with someone who simply listened without trying to fix you? Walked into a room carrying the weight of the world and left feeling lighter, despite nothing in your circumstances having changed?

That is co-regulation.

As human beings, we’re wired for connection from the moment we breathe our first breath of air in this world. The first point of contact we long for is the touch of our mother, the soothing sound of her heartbeat. Research has shown that this contact helps regulate the nervous system, the heart rate and the stress response. Before we learn language, we learn safety through relationships. And this knowing continues with us through to adulthood, whether we’re consciously aware of it or not.

A circle of trust

I started holding women’s circles from a longing for something I couldn’t quite name. To those who observed my life from the outside in, I seemed to have a full life. I had lived abroad, travelled to more than 50 countries, shared meals with families across cultures, and experienced communities where neighbours knew one another, doors were left open, children were raised together and life was lived together rather than separate.

I built meaningful friendships around the world, connected with thousands of people online and experienced things many people only dream about.

And yet, every time I returned to Australia, I felt an energy of isolation; a subtle sense of separation that felt very different to what I had experienced in other parts of the world.

So I started creating opportunities for people to gather. I began running women’s circles and community gatherings from my community centre in central Brisbane. As more women came to these gatherings, the more I witnessed how quickly a sense of closeness could form between strangers. Women would walk into a room having never met before and, within an hour, be sharing stories they hadn’t shared with anyone for years. I watched women arrive feeling isolated and leave feeling connected. This was the case for me, too.

Practical ways to build more supportive connection

The good news is that community doesn’t need to look like a village of hundreds of people, nor does it require a complete overhaul of your life. In my experience, meaningful connection often begins with one small act of courage.

This might look like:

• Reaching out to a friend and suggesting a walk instead of another text exchange
• Saying yes to a local group you’ve been curious about joining
• Introducing yourself to someone you’ve seen regularly but never spoken to
• Accepting an invitation you would normally decline.

Small actions like these can become the foundation of deeper connection and belonging.

It’s also important to remember that connection isn’t measured by the number of people in our lives. I have met women with thousands of followers online who feel alone, and others with only a handful of close relationships who feel deeply supported. What nourishes us is a true sense of belonging; being in the spaces where we can exist as our most authentic selves, without fear of judgement or the pressure to be perfect.

Perhaps this is why creating intentional spaces for connection has become so important. Modern life has removed many of the natural gathering places that once existed within communities, families and neighbourhoods. As a result, many of us find ourselves navigating life’s biggest transitions – motherhood, grief, relationship changes, illness, ageing and identity shifts – without the support structures that our previous generations held.

This doesn’t mean we need to return to the past or recreate the village exactly as it once was. But it does invite us to consider how we might consciously create spaces where people feel seen, supported and connected.

Because the opposite of loneliness isn’t simply being surrounded by people – it’s belonging. Knowing there are people who will sit beside us through life’s seasons, witness our stories without trying to fix them and remind us that being human was never meant to be a solitary experience.

In a culture that so often encourages independence above interdependence, choosing connection may be one of the most powerful acts of wellbeing available to us.

After all, we were never meant to do life alone.

Bianca Caruana is a ceremonial guide and author who works with people navigating identity shifts, rites of passage and the transitions we are rarely taught how to move through. She is the founder of The Goddess Temple Brisbane and facilitates community gatherings focused on connection, belonging and life’s transitions. Find out more at biancacaruana.com.