Have you ever stopped to think about what it has cost your body to follow the scripts you inherited growing up? The ones that told you to be seen but not heard. To be helpful and accommodating. To be intelligent and pretty. To be a “good girl”.
Depending on your family dynamic, where you grew up, the school you attended and the faith you practised, those unspoken rules can show up early and shape the person you become.
They can seep into the way you behave at work, how you manage money, the relationships you form and even how you treat your body. For some, it looks like tolerating poor behaviour because confrontation feels risky. For others, it is over-performing to earn approval, putting everyone else’s needs first or staying quiet because speaking up does not feel safe.
These behaviours can feel like everyday choices, but they are often adaptations. They are ways of staying safe and staying liked in environments where being easy to manage can feel like the price of belonging.
When “being good” becomes a stress response
So what is the payoff for a lifetime of pleasing and appeasing? It can look like success on the outside and strain on the inside.
This constant need to shapeshift comes at a cost to the body and the nervous system. When there is a mismatch between who you have been told to be and who you really are, tension builds. The nervous system can stay stuck in survival mode until the body signals, loudly or quietly, that something has to change.
Over time, this can show up as disrupted sleep, low energy and a sense of being constantly on edge. Some people notice brain fog, irritability and more frequent illness. Physician Gabor Maté has explored how chronic stress and emotional repression can influence health, noting patterns of people-pleasing, over-giving and suppressed anger in people living with stress-related conditions. While “good girl” conditioning does not directly cause illness, ongoing self-silencing may contribute to prolonged activation of the body’s stress systems.
Another useful lens is allostatic load, the cumulative “wear and tear” of chronic stress. It describes how repeated exposure to stress can disrupt immune, hormonal and inflammatory processes over time. It is a practical way to think about how long-term emotional strain can become physical strain.
Do not ignore the warning signs
When authentic self-expression and self-regulation feel out of reach, the pressure has to go somewhere. Eventually it bubbles up and spills over.
Stress signals vary from person to person, but it is worth paying attention to what the body is trying to say. Many women feel they do not have time for rest, or they have not earned it. But prolonged stress can slide into burnout. Researchers Emily and Amelia Nagoski describe burnout, particularly in women, as emotional exhaustion, feeling trapped in your emotions with no way out.
For others, the cost feels less dramatic and more like a persistent flatness. A quiet disconnection from your body and your life. Sociologist Corey Keyes calls it ‘languishing’, the grey zone between surviving and thriving. It is where motivation drops, joy feels muted and everything takes more effort than it should.
Most people know the sting of having their buttons pushed, their desires dismissed, or the slow ache of living by someone else’s rules. But there is a better way forward.
Moving beyond survival mode
Start by identifying your own “good girl” scripts. Where did they come from and how have they shaped your behaviour? This is not about tallying the damage. It is about recognising the roles you have been performing so you can choose what stays and what goes.
Next, notice where the “good girl” lives in your body. Does your throat tighten when you swallow your needs? Does fear show up in your gut? Do your palms get clammy when you are about to speak up? Connecting thoughts, feelings and behaviours is powerful because naming the pattern is often the first step towards shifting it.
Then try a daily micro-rebellion, small, safe ways to challenge the script.
Let anger move through the body instead of locking it down. Journal what you actually feel instead of going quiet. If others often take credit for your work, ring your bell. If presenting makes you nervous, try a five-minute breathwork sequence beforehand. These are small acts, but they send a clear signal to the nervous system that it is safe to be more honest.
Finally, do not do it alone. Build your scaffolding of support, whether that is one trusted person or a whole team.
The most rebellious thing you can do is simply be yourself. When you stop negotiating with a script that was never yours and start writing the one you actually want, life can start to feel lighter, clearer and more like it belongs to you.
If you're looking for everyday acts of micro-rebellion, you'll find plenty of ideas in my latest book Good Girl, Goodbye (Wiley).
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