6 Possible Reasons Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex Like He Used To

There’s nothing more frustrating - and, truthfully, even hurtful-than when you notice your husband losing interest in sex. When he says, “I’m too tired,” or you realise he hasn’t initiated sex in several months, your mind almost immediately goes to the worst possible reasons behind it: Is he not attracted to me anymore? Is he unhappy? Is he having an affair?

“Society makes us think that it’s abnormal if a man isn’t wanting sex all the time,” says couples therapist Cynthia Pizzulli. “So if my man doesn’t want sex all the time, something must be wrong with me. He doesn’t desire me anymore. Oh my God, it’s a catastrophe, we’re going to end up divorced.”

But the truth is, it’s normal for sexual intimacy to change over the course of any relationship, especially one that’s so long-term like a marriage. The important thing is that if you notice your husband shying away from sex more regularly and that’s negatively affecting you as a result, you should identify it as an issue together and work toward a solution.

“A lack of sexual intimacy is a couple’s related issue, not an individual issue,” says Pizzulli. “The woman needs to avoid being the victim.”

Here are six common reasons your husband might be losing interest in sex-and what you can do to reignite the spark.

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1) Other things have taken priority

Life can get hectic, and as a result, sex can hit the backburner. Especially if you have kids, it might not be top of mind for him to come home from work and initiate sex right away.

“When you come home at the end of the day and you’ve worked all day, you’re either going to sit down and watch TV or go to sleep, or you could somehow have sex,” says Pizzulli. “Sometimes, sleep is more preferable.”

Plus, once you’re married and sex becomes less of a novelty, it’s common for men to shift their focus and priorities to other things. “Think of the cavemen,” says Pizzulli. “Once you get your woman, now it comes down to raising babies and then hunting and gathering, right? So maybe you’ll have some sex, but the primary focus is now on work. And for a lot of men, work becomes the center of their life cycle when they’re trying to support their families.”

The key here is normalising the fact that your priorities are bound to change throughout the course of your lifetimes. “This is not something catastrophic for your relationship,” says Pizzulli. “The frequency of sex and the priority of sex changes and ebbs and flows through the life cycle for both men and women.”

Get him in the mood: It’s still important to take steps to regain sexual intimacy in your marriage, especially if you’re working with busy schedules.

The first step? Start planning sex into your week. “You can’t have eroticism be spontaneous,” says Pizzulli. “We plan everything else in our lives, so why not this? You have to set time aside.” Set a “date” for Saturday night, and stick to it - preferably during a time with no kids in the house to avoid possible distractions.

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2) He has a medical condition

Just like women, as men age, their risk for certain health conditions rises - including erectile dysfunction (ED) and prostate cancer, both of which can have a serious impact on your sex life.

“ED leads some men to avoid sex altogether,” says gynaecologist Dr Alyssa Dweck. And when it comes to prostate cancer, surgery might be a requirement, which could result in shifting your definition of sex.

“The very first thing we have to understand is that sex is not just penetrative sex,” says Pizzulli. “Sex is not just intercourse. Sex is a lot of things, and it’s anything intended for one’s arousal. So yeah, you’re going to have to adjust things, but intimacy comes in many forms.”

So when your partner gets a diagnosis that could impact your sex life, the first thing you need to do is help make sure they’re getting the medical attention they need and provide support. “Anyone can help their partner by showing up as much as possible and taking an active interest in their loved one’s medical problem,” says sex therapist and researcher Dr Christine Milrod.

Get him in the mood: Once the medical issue has been addressed, you can start finding new ways to reach a fulfilling level of sexual intimacy by either experimenting on your own or meeting with a couples therapist to help find new methods of eroticism.

“In those particular cases, if people are getting injured by it, then you might want to seek professional help to help you find what’s erotic and intimate in your relationship with the change in erectile functioning,” says Pizzulli.

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3) Your relationship has become platonic

If you’ve been in a relationship for 30, 20, 10, or even 5 years, things can start to become familiar. You’ve gotten into a routine at this point, and that comfort (which is great in some ways) is decidedly not great for your sex life.

“Familiarity creates a platonicness in the relationship,” says Pizzulli. “There’s a sexless marriage when you start to get into a situation where you’re really just best friends, and the eroticness has kind of dropped off in the relationship.”

Chances are, folding laundry and washing the dishes together-although possibly bettering the friendship within the couple-is probably not peaking his arousal. “If time together is primarily spent watching TV, taking care of household biz, etc., there is nothing to arouse him there,” says psychologist Dr Brandy Engler. “Men generally don’t walk around aroused; they need stimulation.”

Get him in the mood: When things feel stagnant, it’s important to create an erotic space and bring sexual intimacy back into the relationship. “You just can’t expect there to be instant eroticism when you’ve been with the same partner for the last 30 years,” says Pizzulli. “Eroticism is just like a walk on the beach. It’s something hot and steamy. It’s role play, it’s dirty talk. It’s the way you hold yourself.”

Engler recommends creating a time each day that’s totally tech-free (which can often provide a distraction from sex for both you and your partner). “They agree to use this time to get out of their heads and into their bodies - perhaps go for a walk, dance, meditate - and then go on a date,” she says.

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4) He’s stressed

Over the course of any relationship, there are going to be times that are significantly more stressful than others. Two big causes of that stress? Work and money. “Being fired is a definite romance killer,” says Milrod. “Anxiety is sky high.”

It’s common for couples to get in arguments over money or job security, but those little arguments can add up over time to the point where they eventually affect the sexual intimacy or desire within the marriage.

“You can actually bicker your sex life to death,” says Milrod. “Men, just like women, will withdraw both emotionally and physically, since every jab creates a mental ‘wound’ that takes longer and longer to heal.”

Get him in the mood: In this case, the only way to overcome the issue is to face it head on. “If it’s distressing, confront and deal with it directly, especially if it’s not just a temporary issue,” says Dr Dweck.

And remember that that desire or attraction can come back. “Attraction is reactive to conditions,” says Engler. “Take a look at the conditions of your relationship, work stress, health, and relationship to technology, and ask what needs adjusted so that you can feel sexual again.”

5) He’s uncomfortable initiating sex

Believe it or not, some men just aren’t that sexual. “If the woman’s the initiator, she always gets injured by that because she thinks, well, something must be wrong with me if he’s not initiating,” says Pizzulli. “But that just might not be part of his erotic blueprint.”

If your husband has seemingly lost interest in initiating sex, it could be that he’s just not that comfortable with doing so. “It’s just not him,” says Pizzulli.

This could be true even if he was initiating regularly when you were dating or even early on in the marriage. “They only do it in the beginning of the relationship because that’s the social norm is for men to initiate all things sex,” adds Pizzulli.

Get him in the mood: If this is the case, the onus here falls on you to take charge. “I think that instead of thinking the man has to be responsible for the eroticism and the man has to be responsible for the initiation of sexual intimacy, I think you just take control of it,” says Pizzulli. “It’s up to you to make time and to say we have a little date on Sunday night. It’s up to you to create an erotic space, to get some pornography or erotic literature.”

Although it might not be “fair,” if you want to have a fulfilling sex life and your partner isn’t an initiator, this might be the role you have to fill.

6) He has a low sex drive

It’s totally normal for a man’s sex drive to simply decrease over time. “Many of my male clients are reporting lower sex drives in general,” says Engler. This could be the result of a shift toward technology where sex no longer really requires the human touch, or due to testosterone levels decreasing from environmental factors, says Engler.

“These guys are usually less interested in intercourse but may still appreciate sensuality or even giving pleasure to their partner,” says Engler.

Get him in the mood: The key here is to find new ways to create a sexual experience with your partner. “Engage him in a conversation about what are his ideal conditions for being sexual,” says Engler. “Does he need relaxation? If yes, creating an ambient environment and perhaps a massage is best. Or an erotic role-play? If so, what would that look like?”

At the end of the day, almost every reason behind a loss of interest in sex by your partner can be addressed and remedied. But the important thing is to actually do the addressing.

“People end up in my office because of two things: avoidance and denial,” says Pizzulli. “That’s why they end up in couples therapy, because you’re not really dealing with an issue. You’re avoiding it and postponing it and not dealing with it, and then it gets too long, too big. So I say as soon as there’s any kind of issue where either partner is feeling a lack of sexual intimacy, it needs to be addressed.”