We as humans grieve because we love, and it's the natural response to a loss. "It's a way to acknowledge and honor who or what was lost," explains grief therapist Mary Martineau. "We must move through grief, not by 'getting over it' or 'moving on' but by experiencing it wholly, which takes time."
While there's no "incorrect" way to grieve, it's common to respond by doing things that actually make it harder for you to process the loss and move forward. Here are several reactions you should try to side-step so you can focus on healing.
Turning to alcohol and drugs
Many people use alcohol and illegal substances to forget about the pain they're going through—but the fix is only temporary. "Alcohol and other drugs numb people's feelings, however they block the person from moving through the grieving process," explains therapist Denise Tordella. Once sober, you'll be right back where you started. Plus, you also the possibility of going too far, hurting yourself and possible overdosing.
Keeping yourself uber-busy
Distracting yourself with work, household chores and other activities might help some individuals, but it's not a cure-all. Most people need to devote some time and energy to feeling the loss, says Martineau. "Be kind to yourself, and rest when you need to. It takes time to move through grief." So if you feel like spending the day on the couch watching television, do just that.
Cutting yourself off from the world
Grieving is a difficult process, and keeping your thoughts and feelings bottled up may lead to more stress and anxiety. Yes, you may need quiet time alone, but "sometimes a loss needs to be talked about over and over again in order to process what has happened," says therapist Rita Morgan. "Seeing a mental health professional or joining a loss support group can be helpful and healing."
Making big life decisions or drastic changes
After losing a loved one, you might feel like you need a fresh start. But it's usually a good idea to hit the pause button before selling your house, quitting your job or breaking up with a long-term partner. Any of those things might turn out to be right for you, but it's hard to think clearly while you're still reeling. "When people experience loss, initially they may be numb, confused, distressed, fearful or overwhelmed," explains Tordella. "We do not want to make life decisions from these parts of ourselves. Instead, focus on what needs to be done immediately to establish a sense of safety and stability." Save big decisions for when your emotions have settled.
Being hard on yourself
If you're not feeling up to your usually daily routine, that's OK, especially immediately after a loss. "Learn to prioritise, set small goals and be kind to yourself," says Martineau. "If today isn't the day to get it done, there is always tomorrow." Cut yourself a break and know that you'll get back to your "normal" eventually.
Neglecting basic self-care
If your appetite has vanished and you're finding it hard to sleep at night, that's typical. But try not to let these issues linger too long. "Survivor's guilt can sometimes have a way of stopping us from taking care of ourselves in a sufficient manner, thereby impairing our health," explains Morgan. Even if you're not hungry, try eating small meals throughout the day and nap when you’re feeling tired.
Ignoring serious depression
Grief can look a lot like depression, but they aren't the same. One important distinction is that grief tends to lessen over time. "If you are finding it difficult to function after the first few weeks or month, or you’re feeling helpless, hopeless and/or worthless, then you may be experiencing clinical depression," explains Martineau. "Your healthcare provider can refer you for counseling and/or medication if applicable." If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or others, call a crisis line or go to the nearest emergency room right away.
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