Rarely does a true narcissist ever call themselves one, which is why it’s a good idea to have an understanding of what a narcissist is and how to deal with one, just in case one ever crosses your path.
To be clear, though, there is a difference between a narcissist and someone who is self-confident. In fact, there is even such thing as a healthy sense of narcissism. “It’s what keeps us going despite the adversity we face in life,” says psychologist Julia Baird. “We know that we are special and have a lot to offer the world, but we can also recognise that we have limitations and areas of growth.”
That vulnerability is a blind spot for real narcissists. Keep reading to learn more about it, how to communicate with a narcissist, and when to seek help, according to therapists.
What is narcissism?
“The term narcissist is often used to describe individuals who exhibit self-centred behaviour,” explains Michelle Turk, a marriage and family therapist. “Narcissism refers to a set of personality traits that include grandiosity, a desire for admiration, a lack of empathy, an inflated sense of self-importance, an exaggerated sense of accomplishment, and a preoccupation with success.”
But not all narcissists present the same set of behaviours. “It’s essential to recognise that narcissism exists on a spectrum that spans from heightened self-confidence to pathological narcissism,” says Turk.
At the far end of that spectrum is narcissistic personality disorder, she adds, which is “a clinical diagnosis that is given to individuals who exhibit symptoms of narcissism that significantly impair their ability to function daily.”
Aside from how they treat and present themselves, narcissists also treat others in a specific way. According to Baird, they place value on others based on personal gain. “An example would be a narcissistic man who is dating a woman 20 years younger, who is very attractive,” says Baird.
“As this woman ages and begins to lose her looks, the man is no longer interested in her, and breaks off the relationship. The woman no longer serves as an object to boost his ego, she no longer serves a function for him, so he has little interest in a relationship with her.”
If narcissists’ behaviour is ever challenged, they tend not to handle it well. “They have created an inflated self-image, but underneath that lies a fragile, broken, or non-existent self," Baird says.
How to cope with a narcissist
Communicating with a narcissist can certainly feel like an uphill battle, evoking feelings like confusion, frustration, disturbance, disorientation, and a sense of non-reality, Baird says. With that being said, her number one tip for navigating the discourse is to simply remember who you’re communicating with, and try not to get lost in emotions. In other words, set firm boundaries to protect yourself.
“Narcissists are not safe to be vulnerable with. They see vulnerability as weakness and will find ways to use it against you,” she continues. “While vulnerability is a healthy and positive aspect of most relationships, it is never safe to be vulnerable with a narcissist. Keep your boundaries, and your distance.”
In that same realm, it’s important to advocate for yourself, Turk says, while staying calm and composed during interactions. Between these interactions, it’s crucial to prioritise a self-care practice, ideally one that includes a support system of friends and family who understand what you’re going through and can offer help.
“If needed, seek help from a mental health professional,” Turk adds. “Professional guidance and support can help when navigating relationships with individuals with narcissistic traits.”
When to leave a narcissist
When is enough enough? It can be hard to quantify when so many heightened feelings are involved. Below, experts share red flags to look for that may mean it’s time to move on.
You feel constantly degraded or undermined
If there is a constant flow of put-downs, subtle or not subtle, to the point where you feel confused or terrible about yourself whenever you’re around them, speak up. This often takes shape as the narcissist twisting your good qualities into bad ones, Baird explains. “This is usually out of envy,” she adds.
An example: They might take your extroverted social quality and stamp it as needy, dependent and insecure. Put lightly, “you’re left feeling confused,” Baird says.
You’re starting to question reality
The term for this is gaslighting, based on the 1930s movie, Gaslight, about man who manipulates his wife into believing she’s going insane, Baird explains. “Narcissists are great at the mindf*ck. They want you to question reality so that they have the upper hand. Don’t do it! Hold tightly to the truth,” she says.
There is a lack of empathy
“When someone is unable or unwilling to understand your feelings and needs or when they dismiss them entirely,” Turk says, that’s a red flag.
You feel like you’re being controlled
Whether it’s consistent guilt tripping, an expectation of special treatment or direct attempts to control your actions, decisions, and interactions with others, all of those are classic examples of a narcissist’s impulse to control. “It may also present as an attempt to isolate you from friends, family, or other support systems to gain more control over you,” says Turk.
There is a lack of accountability
If the person in question refuses to acknowledge their role in a tumultuous situation or the outcomes of their behaviour in general, even after the flaws are called to their attention, it’s not a good sign.
If you are currently or suspect you might be in an abusive relationship, dial the national domestic family and sexual violence counselling service Respect at 1800 737 732. If you are in physical danger, call 000.
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