Why Am I So Angry? Top Reasons Plus Anger Management Tips

If you met me, say, when fumbling with my groceries at the Coles self-checkout, you’d think, “What a nice, slightly inept woman.” But that’s only because smoke doesn’t literally come out of people’s ears when they’re angry. If it did, all the shoppers would be evacuated and I’d be left sitting with my family-sized box of Arnott’s Shapes and my dog toys soaked in flame-retardant foam.

For the record, I’m a nice person and one who’s privileged to have a lot less to be mad about than many women. I’m employed, healthy and educated, and there are people who have my back.

And yet, like everyone I know (and, judging by social media, almost everyone I don’t know), I’m far more rageful and on edge than ever before. While large-scale issues, such as social injustice, the cost of living as well as overall economic uncertainty, are all pretty infuriating, on a personal level “women are angry because they’re feeling taken advantage of, stressed out and exhausted,” says Soraya Chemaly, award-winning author of Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger.

“Even before the pandemic, women were much more stressed than men.”

Emotions on steroids

Stress and anger are not the same thing, of course, but living in a chronically stressful world with no change in sight – and then being advised to meditate to manage it better – can make a girl mad.

So can fear of, say, the sea boiling over or drowning in the rising cost of living. “There are real social changes we really need to make in order to make people’s lives easier,” says Christine Smith, a professor of psychology, human development and women’s and gender studies. She says that we’re all so beaten down these days that we can’t help having anger bubble up.

“When we’re stressed and exhausted, we have less bandwidth, and that’s when bad stuff comes out.”

Professor Smith doesn’t mean that anger is bad – it’s our built-in signal that something isn’t quite working for us – but rather that we may completely lose it on someone who may not deserve that.

When we’re running on emotional and cognitive fumes, she explains, we just don’t have it in us to reason that, “Maybe that girl ahead of me at my favourite coffee spot didn’t mean to whack me with her yoga mat.”

Instead, we shoot lasers out of our eyes, vent at the barista, or upsize to a mocha latte with extra whipped cream, to try to soothe our souls.

How anger attacks the body

For decades, science has shown that anger is associated with a heap of health conditions. One strong link is between poorly managed temper and heart disease: an extensive study showed that being anger-prone is an independent risk factor for heart disease. Plus, US researchers found that people who were frequently explosively angry were about five times as likely to have a heart attack in the two hours after an outburst (the risk of stroke more than tripled).

No one is saying that anger causes heart attacks, but periods of fury or anxiety can put you in fight-or-flight mode, leading to a cascade of effects that include higher blood pressure, narrowing of blood vessels and increased clotting.

Being in this survival mode also tightens muscles, says psychologist Dr Ryan Martin, author of Why We Get Mad: How to Use Your Anger for Positive Change, leading to chronic back pain and tension headaches. Some research has even found that regular angry outbursts can play a role in the development of type 2 diabetes.

In addition, a slew of psychological conditions – anxiety, depression and eating disorders chief among them – are thought to be tied to unexpressed rage, and there’s some evidence that physical symptoms may have more to do with suppressing anger than expressing it.

While there isn’t much data to show that stifling a bad temper is tied to specific health issues, “I do think it makes intuitive sense that it leads to other negative health outcomes,” says Dr Martin. “And this is mainly because it reflects a failure to resolve your feelings in a healthy way, and that’s going to have some consequences.”

Feeling mad about being mad

On top of our being legitimately angry, the fact that openly admitting it (let alone showing it) is frowned upon if you’re a woman means that a lot of emotional labour is devoted to concealment or redirection. Sometimes we just say “It’s okay” even before we feel our anger, as in, “Oh, I’m not mad – that’s just how things are.”

Women are expected to forgive and forgive and forgive, says Soraya. “And if we must speak up about what’s bothering us, we think, “I’m just going to say this in the most benign way possible; I’m not going to go with the words that make it sound ‘impolite’,” she says.

Some of us are also ashamed of feeling anger, especially on our own behalf, says Soraya. “It’s not like guilt, which is feeling bad about something you did,” she says. “It’s more like, ‘I’m a bad person.’ It’s woven into our cultural norms.”

Anger isn’t seen as feminine; it’s not helpful or ‘nice’; it contorts your face so you look ugly – and who wants to look ugly? The idea that anger is a no-no for women is reinforced by the reaction we get when we reveal we’re cross: research shows that women are judged more negatively than men for the outward expression of anger.

If we grew up with relatively few examples of our mum’s and nanna’s anger being treated as valid (and being told to “be nice” when we’re ticked off), that may cause some of us to not even realise when we’re annoyed.

Instead, the emotion is repurposed as sadness, disappointment, frustration, stress or resignation, all of which are more socially acceptable for women. Anger may also turn into rumination, says Professor Smith, which is linked to depression and anxiety.

“If you’re consistently messaging to someone that getting angry is bad, that person is going to end up minimising that in their lives,” explains Dr Martin. Insisting “I’m not angry” when you have every reason to be becomes a default.

Disappointment, stress, anxiety, etc, can all be felt at the same time, of course, but anger is often a through line, says Soraya.

“If you scratch the surface just a little bit and say, ‘Let’s talk about why you’re stressed,’ you’ll quickly get to ‘I’m exhausted and no one is helping me. I have a mortgage. I’m taking care of my children and my parents, and my spouse isn’t doing half the work,’” she says. “It’s a hop, skip and a jump to anger.”

Making friends with your anger

It’s tempting to think, “Anger is unhealthy, so I must meditate/walk/do whatever to calm down.” And, yes, lowering your level of tension in the moment can keep you from punching a wall and get you to think more clearly.

But bypassing anger to feel better without addressing why you’re angry is a mistake, says Soraya: “You can’t self-help your way out of any of this.”

Dr Martin points out that anger-management programs that focus excessively on decreasing anger intensity and reframing angry thoughts “can feel really minimising to people who have legitimate reasons to be annoyed. You’re saying, ‘Get less angry,’ which is somehow implying that it’s all in their head,” he says.

8 anger management strategies

By listening to your anger, you can allow it to make your life better. Try these handy pointers next time you flip your lid.

1. Name it

“I feel angry.” Go ahead, say it. It may feel weird (especially if other people are around), but call it what it is rather than reflexively telling yourself that there’s no point in being disgruntled because there’s nothing you can do about it, whatever ‘it’ is.

“Anger is the most social emotion,” says Soraya. “If you’re angry, that’s a sign of hope – it means you believe change should happen and that others should care about you enough to help.”

2. Feel it

“Most of us are taught to detach from the emotion,” says Soraya. Notice how this rising aggravation feels in your body – are you stressed or sad or despondent, or physically exhausted? Do you have a headache or feel like sleeping all the time? “Think about what’s wrong, what’s possible and what your strategy might be,” she says.

3. Share it directly

“One important thing is to learn to communicate what you want and be able to say, ‘Hey, I’m feeling really angry at you right now,’” says Dr Martin.

If it’s not solely about the person you’re mad at, say so. Then tell them exactly what you require, such as “I need you to listen right now” or “I need you not to leave your dishes for me to deal with.”

Ideally, your partner, child or work colleague will say, “I didn’t realise you were angry – let me help!” Even if that doesn’t happen (and it may not), this starts a conversation that may lead to understanding and change and, at the very least, you won’t be swallowing your anger.

4. Seek validation

You may not be able to alter your situation, but you can know that your anger is justified. “Part of women’s frustration comes from no one listening to them,” says Soraya.

“There are so many opportunities to find like-minded communities,” in person or online, centred on any number of fury-generating issues. Search out people who share your values and are focused on constructive solutions; dodge those who are more inclined to resignation or complaining. Look for someone who will treat your displeasure with the respect it deserves and help you talk it through.

5. Make a plan

Much of anger management involves dispatching the feeling, but unless you do something about what’s making you angry, you’ll feel disempowered (and the issue will still be there). Writing out your feelings, says Soraya, can help shift the anger into thought, which may help you see what your ire is directing you to do.

Maybe the plan is to update your résumé so you can find a new job. Or it might be to book a hotel at Christmas and avoid family members who enrage you.

You may not fix everything, but you can usually make yourself more comfortable. “If you can understand the feeling, you’re reducing harm to yourself,” says Soraya.

6. Find an outlet

Creative avenues can also be a great way to release anger. “I’ve been blown away by the creativity of people who have decided to use their angry energy to make beautiful things – comedy routines, art, music,” says Soraya.

Social justice movements also make the world a better place, says Professor Smith, and yet they arose based on irate people pointing out injustice. “When we find outlets for our anger – engaging in social movements, voting, doing things to help other people – we still have some sense of anger, but we are bringing other emotions into our lives,” she says. These include joy and a sense of purpose.

7. Teach it

Notice when you or someone else tells a person they’re being rude when they’re simply expressing anger, suggests Soraya. Other versions of this negative message are “Maybe you could’ve found a different way to say that” and “You’re overreacting.”

Instead, help them be understood by saying something like, “I see you’re angry – can you tell me what’s making you feel that way?”

8. Be gentle with both yourself and others

When someone does something that makes you furious, assume benign intentions unless you know otherwise. “On some level, all of us have been through a recent trauma – potentially a series of traumas – that has had a huge impact on us and those around us,” Dr Martin says. “To the best of our ability, we should cut ourselves and everyone else some slack.”