The holidays are often a time of heightened emotion. Some moments feel joyful and nostalgic, others stir up stress or old hurts, so it is natural to feel apprehensive about celebrations rather than endlessly excited.
On top of the usual family and money pressures, recent years have brought extra strain from global events, social unrest and divisive politics. A helpful shift is to drop the idea of having a “normal” holiday and allow this season to look different.
“Our way of life has changed, but that doesn’t have to be stressful if we view change with a sense of adventure,” says life coach Treiva Williams. “Use this time to discuss the changes you have experienced with your entire family and encourage one another as you find ways to adapt and start new family traditions.”
Finding some peace may also mean rethinking how conflict is viewed. “Most people don’t like conflict and that comes from their upbringing,” says conflict resolution strategist Lynne Maureen Hurdle. “Many were raised to believe conflict was negative and something to be avoided. In actuality, the only thing that has created real change in the world is conflict.”
Here are ways to start making positive change in one of the most common areas of festive strife.
When there’s arguing at the dinner table
“The most stressful time for my clients is the holidays because of the disagreements around politics, family dynamics and religious beliefs,” Hurdle says. “People either dread going to holiday parties or decide that this year they won’t attend because of the stress involved when these topics arise.”
For those who do choose to attend, she recommends being clear on where you stand on issues that matter to you. “This is a unique time and we are witnessing cultural shifts,” she says. “Think about where you can be flexible and where you need to draw a line.” Because there will always be guests who want to push buttons by debating hot topics, Hurdle suggests a few ways to de-escalate hurtful conflict:
- Set boundaries before the holiday dinner - A calm conversation ahead of time can help. For example, “Mum, I’m happy that we’re all getting together for the holidays but this is an especially stressful time. I’d like to keep the conversation to topics that don’t lead us into the usual arguments we have when we’re together.”
- Take a break - If things get too heated during a political discussion, try, “I see this is leading to a place where we usually disagree. I’m not going to be participating in this conversation. In fact, I’m going to get up and take a little break.” Then step outside or into another room and take a few slow breaths.
- Listen more than you speak - Listening deeply helps make sense of loved ones’ opinions. Ask a clarifying question such as “Could you share more about that topic?” Once there is more understanding, you might say, “That’s one way of looking at it. Here’s my perspective.”
While political and values-based discussions can be uncomfortable, Hurdle notes that conversations where everyone has a chance to speak and listen can be useful. “Family members whose views are different than yours can expose you to alternate thinking,” she says. “Gaining knowledge about various perspectives helps you think about your own ideas and beliefs.”
When you’ve experienced loss
If someone important has died, the holidays take on a different character. “It is supposed to be a time of celebration and everyone around you is expecting you to be happy,” says grief educator V. Ophelia Rigault. “If that is not what you are feeling inside, then this time of year is hard.”
Beloved traditions can feel painful too. “If your loved one always made a special meal or was the person who held the family together, it can feel as if the sense of normalcy has been taken away,” Rigault says.
Her guidance for moving through grief includes:
- Be honest about your emotions - Avoid pressure to heal according to others’ expectations or to put on a happy face when you are grieving. If you are not up to celebrating, it is okay to step back from gatherings that may feel overwhelming.
- Honour the person’s memory - Consider volunteering for a cause your loved one would have supported. Acts of altruism can bring a sense of meaning and may soften intense feelings of grief.
- Write a letter - This can be a powerful exercise, especially if there was no chance to say goodbye. Put your emotions into a letter to your loved one and read it out loud, either alone or with family.
There is no set timeline for grieving, but Rigault says seeking support makes a difference. “There is an emotional benefit to being around people you love during the holidays, as they empathise with your feelings and can offer comfort,” she says.
When the family sees food as love
In many households, declining a slice of Grandma’s pie is not considered acceptable. “Food is a great way to bring loved ones together, but it can also be a cause of tension,” says dietitian Amy Gorin. Many families equate food with love, showering guests with dishes they have spent hours creating. They want to make others happy with food, which makes saying no difficult and hearing no just as hard.
Gorin suggests these strategies to navigate the issue:
- Bring your own food - This can be the easiest option if you have dietary needs. If you worry about offending your host, frame it as helping. For example, “I have so many dietary restrictions that I would not dream of having you cook a special meal just for me. I am going to bring sides and a dessert that I can eat. I will have enough for everyone to try if they would like.”
- Pack it up for later - If you do not want dessert now but know you or someone at home might enjoy it later, try, “I really appreciate that you made my favourite dessert. I am full from the delicious meal, though. Could I take a piece to eat tomorrow.”
- Ask about dietary restrictions ahead of time - If you are the host, check in with guests before planning the menu. You are less likely to feel blindsided or hurt if someone cannot eat a dish you worked hard on.
Remember there are many ways to show love beyond food. “Consider giving everyone a handwritten card or a small gift bag with de-stressors such as tea bags and essential oils,” Gorin says. “Remember that holidays are about celebrating the important people in your life.”
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