How to Apologise Meaningfully

For a lot of people, "sorry" is one of the hardest words to say, but for most women, it's often the one they say the most — whether it's in the office, at home or while you're simply walking down the street. Many studies have proved that women say sorry more than their male counterparts on average with one study revealing we do this over 200,000 times in our lifetime. 

We don't want to reduce this important phrase to just another throw away term, but we're also not saying that we should give up on saying sorry for good. How do you apologise meaningfully for something hurtful? And how can you ensure it comes across as sincere?

Part of the issue is that most of us are told to say sorry as children, but we’re never taught why or how. “We're taught at a really young age to quickly throw an apology out to fix a situation,” explains marriage and family therapist Emily Klear. “As adults, we still need to learn to step back and think, what am I saying sorry for? And if I'm saying I'm sorry for it, can I be accountable to change how I act or behave going forward?”

If your head is spinning, don't panic, an artful apology isn’t hard to master when you’re willing to invest the time and energy to do it properly and learn from the experience. Here are some expert tips to help you apologise in a meaningful, reparative way when it's needed.

1. Assess the problem

A large part of delivering a genuine apology is genuinely understanding how you harmed the other person. If you jump right to “fixing” the situation before you assess it, the other person may not feel heard or trust that you won’t do it again. “What really constrains people is their inability to mindfully identify the things they need to be accountable for,” says Klear. Once you’ve identified the hurtful behaviour, try to look back and see if it is a part of a pattern of behaviour. The level of hurt or frustration may depend on whether it’s a recurring issue.

Once you’ve done so, you can check in and see if the other person is ready to talk about the problem. “One pitfall is the desire to apologise right away before the person who's been harmed has a chance to name that harm,” says psychotherapist Matt Lundquist. "Try saying something like, I can see you’re hurt and I think I've caused that. Are you ready to talk about it, because I owe you an apology."

2. Lose your ego

We rarely like to think of ourselves as the bad guy; our egos contribute to our struggle to admit wrongdoing. One-time wrongdoings feel bad and are embarrassing, but someone may have also pointed out a pattern of behaviour. If the issue is a pattern, it can feel like a character deficit and that may be scarier than a one-time behaviour that’s easily changeable.

The parts of us that need to accept that we've harmed someone are frequently underdeveloped, says Lundquist. “To make a good apology for a transgression of substance means allowing oneself to sit in feeling bad.” Take a step back and accept you've hurt someone, admit accountability for the pieces you feel responsible for, and stay focused on what the other person needs.

3. Keep the ifs or buts out of it

The second component of dropping your ego is not qualifying your apology. A sincere apology won’t have a caveat or excuse like, “I only did it because you did this” or, “That’s not how I felt like it happened.” You aren't really apologising if you're making it about something they did wrong or keeping the focus on how you aren't such a bad person. Instead, try to be reflective and listen from their perspective. “Another part of mindfulness is trying to step back from the defensiveness that may rise up and really being reflective about the information you're hearing from the other person,” adds Klear.

4. Focus on your behaviour

Sometimes saying “I’m sorry you felt…” is sincere, and other times there’s some hedging that happens in that framework. You may be genuinely sorry that the person is hurt, but don’t necessarily regret what you did to make them feel that way. However, if you don’t admit that your actions caused those hurt feelings, the other person won't know that you've learned from the mistake. “It's best to focus the apology on the behaviour, not on its effect,” explains Lundquist. So, you might say, “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday and I can see that made you feel uncared for.”

5. Acknowledge the work that has to be done

Remember that an apology is a start, not a means to an end. No one gets a pat on the back for simply saying sorry — the person on the receiving end wants to feel like you’re not going to do the harmful act again. Say what actions you will take to create the change the other party wants to see. “Often what’s being apologised for is both something that was wrong and ruptured trust,” Lundquist says. There may yet be additional work to do that takes time, but you’ve accomplished the first step at repairing the relationship.