It can happen quietly. A life gets full, the body becomes something to manage and pleasure becomes optional. Many women learn to be competent, capable and selfless long before they learn to feel at home in their own skin. So even as conversations about sexual empowerment get louder, plenty of Australian women still feel oddly disconnected from their bodies.
Only one in four Australian women masturbate regularly (compared to one in two men) and more than half of women aged 16 to 69 do not masturbate at all.
Anna Grosman, founder of Her Confidant, says that gap often comes down to sexual self-knowledge, not libido.
“If women haven’t had experience with their own pleasure, they’re often starting from a place of disconnection from their body. That has implications for confidence, communication and overall wellbeing,” she says.
Why so many women reach adulthood without a solo pleasure habit
Grosman says the reasons are rarely mysterious. They are cultural, emotional and often practical.
“Religious or cultural conditioning. They were taught their body was for someone else’s pleasure, or that self-pleasure was sinful or shameful,” she says.
It can also be as simple as never being given permission.
“No one ever told them it was okay. Sex education, if they got any, skipped the part about female pleasure entirely,” she says.
Then there is the “good girl” script, trauma and the decades of self-neglect that can come with carrying everyone else.
“Busyness and self-neglect. Decades spent caring for everyone else means they genuinely never prioritised themselves. The habit was never built,” she says.
Grosman says she often sees this in women who feel sexually inexperienced or who have been disconnected for years.
“Around 40% of my clients mention trauma or abuse. Another 30% explicitly describe having had no intimacy for 5 to 20 years,” she says.
What disconnection from your body looks like in real life
Disconnection does not always look like avoidance. Sometimes it looks like going through the motions.
“Going through the motions during sex without feeling much, or anything. Dissociating or thinking about the Woolies list,” Grosman says.
Other signs can include flinching at touch, discomfort being naked even alone and living in a constant “head-first” mode.
“Feeling ‘above the neck’ most of the time. In their head, managing, doing, achieving, but numb from the shoulders down,” she says.
Grosman also links that disconnection to a wider impact.
“That level of disconnection doesn’t just affect sex. It affects self-worth, confidence and how present they feel in their own life,” she says.
Pleasure can support wellbeing, not just sex
Mainstream sex education tends to focus on anatomy and risk. Pleasure rarely gets a proper seat at the table. Grosman says that matters because pleasure has real body-level effects.
“Nervous system regulation. Arousal and orgasm trigger oxytocin, dopamine and endorphins. These are natural mood stabilisers and stress relievers,” she says.
She also points to improved sleep, reduced anxiety and stronger body awareness.
“Sex is medicine. Orgasms are therapy. We just haven’t been told that in plain English,” she says.
That does not mean masturbation needs to become another self-improvement project. Pleasure gives information. It can reconnect women to sensation, needs and boundaries.
Why self-knowledge changes partnered intimacy too
Even for women who are not currently dating, Grosman says solo self-knowledge often changes how women communicate in relationships, set boundaries and feel confident asking for what they want.
“If you don’t know what you want, you can’t ask for it,” she says. “And if you can’t ask for it, you spend your intimate life performing rather than receiving.”
She says women who explore their own pleasure tend to know their preferences and feel less pressure to fake it or push through discomfort.
The most overlooked first step
Grosman says many women try to fix this by going straight to touch. For some, that can backfire, especially after trauma, long dry spells or years of disconnection.
“Your nervous system is constantly assessing whether you’re safe. If it decides you’re not, even unconsciously, desire shuts down,” she says.
For women starting from zero, she suggests beginning with nervous system regulation and body awareness first.
“Touch before regulation is a bit like trying to open a locked door without the key,” she says.
Five gentle, non-performative ways to start from zero
1. Start with nervous system awareness, not touch
Before bed, swap two minutes of scrolling for stillness. Notice where the body holds tension. Jaw, shoulders, breath. Nothing needs fixing.
“Starting with regulation means slowing down the breath and noticing sensation without trying to change it,” Grosman says.
2. Use non-sexual touch to rebuild connection
A hand on the stomach, arm or thighs. Warmth. Texture. Pressure. The point is sensation, not arousal.
“In the shower, slow down. Place your hand flat on your belly. Notice the warmth, the breath moving underneath,” Grosman suggests.
3. Shift from outcomes to curiosity
Orgasm pressure can shut down the whole system. Curiosity keeps it open.
“Instead of asking ‘did I orgasm?’ ask ‘what did I notice?’” Grosman says. “Maybe nothing and that’s data too.”
4. If you explore genital touch, prioritise pace and safety
Go slower than feels necessary. There is no correct method and no script to follow.
“Follow sensation, not a script,” Grosman says. “The moment it becomes a task to complete, you’ve lost the plot. Pleasure has no syllabus.”
5. Stay present afterwards
The minutes after matter. A short pause helps the nervous system link touch with safety.
“Rather than rolling over to check your phone, pause. Take a few breaths. Notice how your body feels,” Grosman says.
The common mistakes that make it harder
Grosman sees a few patterns that turn self-pleasure into another performance.
“Chasing the orgasm. Turning self-exploration into a performance review,” she says.
She also cautions against using porn as a guide, pushing through pain and comparing yourself to an imagined “normal”.
“There is no normal,” she says.
When it is worth getting professional support
Grosman says some women need extra support to make this feel safe, especially with trauma history, ongoing pain or intense distress.
Seek professional support if:
- touch triggers flashbacks or overwhelming distress
- physical pain persists
- shame or anxiety feels unmanageable alone
“A pelvic floor physiotherapist is extraordinarily underutilised and genuinely transformative,” Grosman says. She also recommends a trauma-informed psychologist or sex therapist when needed.
Body awareness can build without sexual touch. Breathwork, movement and somatic practices all count.
“The body doesn’t have to be a sexual place before it can be a safe place,” Grosman says. “Safety comes first. Always. Your pleasure was always yours. Start small. Start slow. Start with just noticing. You don’t have to arrive anywhere today. But do start.”
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